i'm wearing my retainers again because teeth/jaw have been feeling somewhat misaligned lately.
so my huge tongue is having a hard time fitting in my mouth because of the retainers and now even chubbier cheeks -_-; blah. lishping like crazy.

my hair is growing out strangely, but it could just be that i haven't been caring about it lately.

i just finished singing by myself on rock band for two and something hours and my voice is deep and monotone and hoarse... and lishpy.

i don't know what the hell to do about school. i thought i was signed up for classes, but i guess i dropped them when i dropped everything from this semester.

blahh!!

make believe is much too fun..

what am i doing? i don't know what i'm doing.
how many times can one change their mind?
how else am i supposed to know what's right for me?
not written in stone... but i'm reconsidering psychology.

why does that make me feel so ashamed?
i liked having a plan. it was nice.
it's possible it's the wrong plan though.
ultimately, i know it's up to me...
but the idea of me being so close to transferring...
probably made my parents happy.

i don't know... if maybe it's because i missed a few pills
or if i'm scared because i have to take definite action now.
but i haven't been feeling too well about my life lately.

will and i talked last night about our frustrations.
it was nice. i really sort of considered my values for once.
i told him i thought the world was boring.
the daily grind of life. work. bills. tech.
i've wanted a different reality so badly... it's agonizing.

we watched a BBC documentary about fish.
i really love BBC documentaries about the earth and life.
it makes me realize the world is not so boring.
and i wanted to imagine myself working in that light.

it's a terrible conflict though
desiring stability and excitement.
part of me wants to live a quiet life
and submit to the daily grind.
the other part says ew no.
life would be meaningless if i submit
it would be a thousand times harder
if there's no true fascination.

don'tknowdon'tknowdon'tknowdon'tknow.

from here: http://msmishi.blogspot.com/

i want to quit work, but i'm having a hard time saying it because the restaurant is about to close for good anyway. it was supposed to be over by the end of this month... but apparently it's not. this upsets me. i've been behaving pretty badly lately, maybe you can call it a rebellion. i've been pretty much an hour late for most of my shifts, pretty much waiting for someone to ask if i'm even going to go in. what if i just say no, haha. ugh. today we weren't supposed to close until 7:00pm; well, we decided to close at 5:30pm and ended up leaving around 6:00pm. i'm really fed up. yeah, it's bad and stupid, and i feel a little guilty, but i'm more mad than anything. behaving in a way to get me fired, even though i probably can't get fired because we're so understaffed and no one wants to work more.

i'm mad because i'm going to school and i have to work. i know it's stupid because nearly every college student is in that situation and they're not complaining. i don't think my work environment is like the typical retail store, and certainly not like a typical chain restaurant. i hate my job so much and it causes me so much stress... and it's not like i can leave all the drama at work and relax at home. i hate the family fighting. i hate seeing my dad struggle. i hate seeing my mom go crazy irrational. i hate seeing my brothers perpetually stuck in a rut. and i'm annoyed with living with will's half-assedness.

i hate living here. i hate being helpless here. aughghghuagh.

make my brothers work more hours. they're not going to school. i'm trying to get somewhere. make it easier for me to get there. :( i can imagine you're just going to tell me to hang in there because it'll only be open for a few more weeks. guilt. that's half a semester already. since i'm no good at communicating clearly, i guess i'll just continue to with the get-me-fired behavior.

kitchen
why does mum tell me to save old leftover rice?! no one else will use it! she doesn't even use it! i saw it in the fridge today and it was exactly as i had stored it when she told me to save it, except with mold on it! blah!
why does david not clean up after he's done cooking?! -_-;
why do people not change the roll of toilet paper once it's empty?! why do they leave the empty cardboard on the toilet paper holder, and a full roll of toilet paper right next to it?!
why does brian do drugs?!
why does my room get so hot?!
why doesn't anyone do the dishes?!
why does mr. blik mrow (yes, mrow, not meow) so much?!
why is melody so chubby and cute?!